Oh...I dunno.
Matt just asked for an update. :p
I still haven't decided what I shall do for next year, though part of me wants to go ahead and let my supervisor know I won't be back (b/c most of me has already checked out, anyway).
Fear has its grip on me. I can take any job I am even remotely thinking about and find something "icky" about it and move on to the next prospect. "Icky" ranges from weird hours to uncertain elements. I think I have a psychosis. :p
I just need to "get quiet" and let God speak. I'm running so fast in circles that I'm sure He's trying to snatch me up and calm me down, though I won't let him (and we all know He's more than capable to stop me in my tracks. He's just waiting on ME.).
Sigh.
So, that's why there hasn't been an update. All I can think about is "next year" and a little bit about "right now." I have the ulcers to prove how stressed I'm allowing myself to get. Part of me feels like there's a human being walking this earth who knows what I'm supposed to do and if I can just find him/her, I'd be golden. Why is that??? Talk about weird....
Frustrating.....saddening.....maddening. :)
5 comments:
Hewwow?
I'm still flip-flopping on what to do next year, but I do have an appt with an advisor at UTD (for the teaching deal) on Tuesday at 5pm. I figured I'd just comment instead of write another blog entry.
Can I make a suggestion, about slowing down and taking the time to hear God speak? Try walking. Seriously. A 30-40 minute walk can do wonders... lol. It is very theraputic (as well as good exercise!) You can walk with music or without (I always have music), but as you walk, you can pray or just let your mind wander. I dealt with alot of issues (fear, anger, frustration, sadness, loss, confusion to name a few) and also received many blessings when I walked. For a long time, no matter my mood when I first started my walk, when I hit a point about 1/3 to 1/2 way through my regular route, I would end up crying. Various reasons, but for awhile it was pretty much inevitable. That rarely happens any more, but even when it does, it's okay. It helps me deal with whatever is going on inside, sometimes things that I hadn't really even realized were there, you know?
Anyway, just a thought... ;-)
Thanks, friend. :-)
Walking might be a very good thing. I wish we didn't live in the suburbs (lots of distractions). I do find that turning the radio off in the morning on the way to school helps. Then again, I can't get too caught up b/c I'm driving!!! ;-)
Crying...eh. That little emotional outburst has been threatening to sneak up on me (most of the time in situations where it wouldn't be appropriate). I cry at happy things, even. I cry when I see a little kid accomplish something cool on TV. I cry at whatever!! ARGH!! Sometimes, it seems to come out of the blue. Others, something conscious will trigger the waterworks. I'm pretty good at keeping them at bay, though. I do believe that a good cry is very necessary sometimes...even if (or especially if) we don't know why.
One way I find myself being spoken to is via reading...and not always the Bible. I'm finding a LOT of principles (and had some "ah ha!" moments) I hadn't thought about in some of the Christian fiction I've been reading lately (Nancy Moser is the most recent author). It's been quite therapeutic.
I'm learning to take one day at a time. I do tend to get caught up in the long term plan instead of focusing on what's in front of me. I have put a LOT of stress on myself lately and have found I'm coveting people which is NOT good at all.
Argh. I'm holding out hope that maybe...MAYBE some light will be shed via my appt on Tuesday. I just hope that, whatever it is, I don't cry :p.
Isn't it comforting that Satan can't read our thoughts? Whew...we thought life was tough but...egads!! How much harder would it be if the stupid jerkwad could access our innermost thoughts?? Ickypoo. Thank you, Lord, for your awesome power and lover for us! AMEN!!
Ahh, yes, reading is good, too. I read so many things that spoke to me, sometimes it seemed like books or articles just "fell into my lap"... but I don't believe in coincidences. ;-)
I relate totally on the crying thing...
*hugs*
Thanks :)
(by the way, mowing the lawn is not a good way to do any thinking! LOL! Had to do some today b/c the inlaws are coming tomorrow. My MIL might be getting a Mini Cooper *cries*).
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