End of the Spear...Hitting theaters today...

and me, square in the heart!

Grab some kleenex and extra cash (take out a loan!) for popcorn and coke and head to the movies this weekend. I wouldn't exactly call it the feel good movie of the year, but it's definitely worth watching. Oh, and I recommend staying put thru at least the first part of the credits. If you've seen Beyond the Gates of Splendor and are thinking, "I pretty much got the gist of the story...I think I'll pass on this one," forget that logic! There's a bit more expounding and it is pretty powerful stuff.

Ok..time for some of my rambling about what's going on in my head right now...

So, I was surfing around and decided to Google a few folks from the past. Surprisingly, someone that was close to my heart back in college came up as a honoree for 2004. Curious, I went to our alma mater's website and took a look. I thought it weird, b/c he graduated just before me, in 96.

Come to find out, he was also an honoree (in our field of study) for 2005. I saw a few other links and found out he got his Master's this past December. I started to cry. Weird, huh?

My emotions have been on edge lately (I'm pretty sure it's not hormonal, either) and this just sent me over (perhaps part of it was from seeing such a profound movie hours ago). I don't really want to divulge the bigger reason I think this got to me, but I will say that I somehow feel like less of a person knowing he has his Master's and I'm just floating thru life...a Summa Cum Laude graduate with her degree collecting dust.

Why does this bother me so? Why can't I just let God do what He wishes with my life (and actually tune into Him instead of wallowing in my many conjured up sorrows)? I just want to find my niche and feel complete for once in my life.

I was reading a book by Robin Jones Gunn (Christian Fiction). Many times, I can identify with the characters coming to life, right before my very eyes....their lives swimming thru my brain as I imagine what it's like where they are. To make a long story short, there was one in particular who had set her sights on something when she was young, achieved it as an adult, and was settled in a career that she enjoyed. Things changed, the job she had became sort of iffy, and another (seemingly odd) position came available. Instead of jumping in with both feet, she volunteered at first and found that she LOVED what she did. The pay was less, but there were other benefits. While she didn't take that job, it drew her closer to the Lord than she'd ever been (was a preacher's kid) and her obedience opened up a wonderful path for her that wound all the way smack dab in the middle of God's plan for her life.

Can I tell you that my heart leapt when the "odd job" came up and she realized that was the kind of work she was made for? It was like, "Hey, she is kind of like me (only she had a plan right after high school) and found her niche in sort of an odd place (she went from flight attendant to a camp facility coordinator) and really fell into step with the Lord." I envied her for a second.

Now, I also realize that these books can sort of be as bad as "soap operas" on tv...that we can tend to confuse real life with what we perceive to be real in the books. I think, however, that God could speak to me in this way, should He choose to. I mean, it would be the perfect opportunity, given I'm sort of unreachable at times.....

I don't know. Like I said somewhere on the pirate ship, my brain feels like scrambled eggs. I feel like I'm sort of grieving for the life I could have had (yet I have no idea what kind of life it should have been!! LOL). How ridiculous is that?

I can't make sense of much that's brewing in my head right now, so I guess I'll stop. Dillon wants so badly to figure out something to help me, but all I do is cry when we try to talk about it. Wanna see a guy fidget? LOL. Poor sweet hubby. He's a fixer, that's for sure. I am trying to train him to be a hugger first and fixer 2nd. ;-) I love him!

The day of bleh..

Ok, so I'm finally letting my emotions catch up with me. If we're going to personify feelings, I much prefer it when my imagination runs wild, I tell ya!

I'm still feeling stuck: can't use my degree b/c it's been so stinking long since I got it that I've forgotten everything (geez!) and I'm having a hard time trying to like what I'm doing now. I honestly feel cornered. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I can't figure out what I like to do or WOULD like to do. I can't even pin one thing down without another thought bumrushing me.

Do any of you remember the Micro Machine Man? Yeah. That's how fast words fly thru my brain.

I'm getting back into the habit of doing daily devotional readings. Even in that, I have doubts. I don't expect God to all of the sudden rain down answers upon me, just because I'm getting back into the Word....but that's what Satan keeps saying my reason is. It's not, doggone it. I miss my time with God and I know He misses it a zillion times more. Honestly, I feel better talking with him since I'm actually taking the time to commune each day. It's not like he's this giant gumball machine that I plunk a quarter in each time I want something, fully expecting the best of whatever it is to fall out.

Anyway, I can't adequately describe how I'm feeling, but I just know I hate it. I've felt this way before, off and on and it really wears me out. I feel like there has to be someone out there who can point me in the right direction...I have this insane need to find that person and pour my heart out. I guess it's b/c I've poured it out to God and my impatient finite way of thinking has won out. I think it's because I'm realizing that so many years in my life have come and gone and I know I can't get them back. I almost wish I could be in college again and cling to those years I spent cramming facts into my brain. I guess I don't feel worthy enough to flip burgers at Mickey D's.

Fun blog, eh?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I am SO sleepy!!! Thank goodness I didn't have to sit in English class (my 2nd of the day..same subj, only different teacher and student) while they read to themselves. I love to read my books, but I'm just so tired today that I fear I would have fallen out of my chair!!!!

Well, interview #2 was a doozy. Not really in a good way. Someone called my supervisor here to check up on me, but I don't know which company it was. She sent me an email saying, "PLEASE, please don't leave....you CAN'T leave!! Someone called and I gave you a horrible reference!!" Hahaha. Funny lady, she is.

So, how is everyone out there doing? I felt pretty doggone overwhelmed towards the end of last week (kinda felt as if I had reached my breaking point). I got over it (for the most part). I'm starting to wonder if I'm just supposed to stay here for a while longer. Then, getting my teaching credential popped into my head (only for the 3rd time). I have no idea what to do. I'll just stay in this holding pattern and learn to adapt and like what I do, or else get the signal and go find what I like. :-)

Well, I don't have much to write about. Sunday was the 50th anniversary of the deaths of Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Roger Youdarian, and Pete Fleming. "End of the Spear's" debut is coming up next week (wow!). I haven't seen the trailer on TV yet, but I have heard of those who have.

Have a nice week, everybody.

OH! Dillon and I joined our community center (rec center) Sunday. I am hoping to do some swimming as soon as I get over my self-consciousness of others seeing me in a swimsuit (assuming mine still fits). They are refinishing the basketball and racquetball courts, though and those don't open til after the 13th. I'm trying to decide of racquetball with Dillon will be a good thing. I tend to play to relieve stress...and that seems better when not done with a significant other. We'll see, I reckon ;-). It's been a while since I played (did so regularly in and after college when I worked at JSU). I hope we start doing more physical stuff. We both need to.

Take care, guys!

Amy

That'sone of the pics I took at Orange Beach.

Picture from Orange Beach

Here is one of me and my crazy family (sorry it's a little dark). This includes my dad, 2 sisters, brother, 2 nieces, 5 nephews, one brother's girlfriend, and my hubby. Oh, and a partridge in a pear tree. Ok..so scrap that. There is a tree in there, though. Well, it used to be a tree....

We were supposed to be out there just as the sun went down. With all the bellyaching about having to drive (and then trek) down there for the picture, it's a wonder we made it at all!!!

Bloggedy, bloggedy, boo!

We're back!

Our trip to south (Orange Beach) and north (my hometown of Southside) Alabama went well. Christmas with my family was.....entertaining, as always. We were there from December 22nd til New Year's Eve. After a quick stop in Tyler to pick up the dog and celebrate my sister-in-law's New Year's Birthday, we happily headed back Dallas. Ahhh..home, dirty home! I don't know when I'll get our Christmas decorations put away. I do know it's good to be back. I miss my family terribly, but I guess TX is growing on me. Or, maybe it's just being able to be the two of us (plus Giggs) again. :)

Wow! The End of the Spear hits theaters in just 17 days!!! January 8th will be the actual 20 year anniversary of the deaths of Nate, Jim, Ed, Pete, and Roger. We watched the documentary last night (I just haven't felt up to it til then) and we were crying like babies!!! Wow.... It's one thing to read the book and feel compassion for the family and friends who were left behind, but to hear their recounting of the tragedy just blew us away. You know, it was kind of like watching "The Passion." You hear of what Jesus did for us all your life...but to see it right there in 3D just tears your heart out.

We're going to see Narnia today and I'm going to personally inquire about EOTS. I wonder if we can buy tickets yet? Hmm...I'll have to check on that.

September, I don't know what they're doing about Canada.

Oh, gotta go!! Time to go see Narnia!