and me, square in the heart!
Grab some kleenex and extra cash (take out a loan!) for popcorn and coke and head to the movies this weekend. I wouldn't exactly call it the feel good movie of the year, but it's definitely worth watching. Oh, and I recommend staying put thru at least the first part of the credits. If you've seen Beyond the Gates of Splendor and are thinking, "I pretty much got the gist of the story...I think I'll pass on this one," forget that logic! There's a bit more expounding and it is pretty powerful stuff.
Ok..time for some of my rambling about what's going on in my head right now...
So, I was surfing around and decided to Google a few folks from the past. Surprisingly, someone that was close to my heart back in college came up as a honoree for 2004. Curious, I went to our alma mater's website and took a look. I thought it weird, b/c he graduated just before me, in 96.
Come to find out, he was also an honoree (in our field of study) for 2005. I saw a few other links and found out he got his Master's this past December. I started to cry. Weird, huh?
My emotions have been on edge lately (I'm pretty sure it's not hormonal, either) and this just sent me over (perhaps part of it was from seeing such a profound movie hours ago). I don't really want to divulge the bigger reason I think this got to me, but I will say that I somehow feel like less of a person knowing he has his Master's and I'm just floating thru life...a Summa Cum Laude graduate with her degree collecting dust.
Why does this bother me so? Why can't I just let God do what He wishes with my life (and actually tune into Him instead of wallowing in my many conjured up sorrows)? I just want to find my niche and feel complete for once in my life.
I was reading a book by Robin Jones Gunn (Christian Fiction). Many times, I can identify with the characters coming to life, right before my very eyes....their lives swimming thru my brain as I imagine what it's like where they are. To make a long story short, there was one in particular who had set her sights on something when she was young, achieved it as an adult, and was settled in a career that she enjoyed. Things changed, the job she had became sort of iffy, and another (seemingly odd) position came available. Instead of jumping in with both feet, she volunteered at first and found that she LOVED what she did. The pay was less, but there were other benefits. While she didn't take that job, it drew her closer to the Lord than she'd ever been (was a preacher's kid) and her obedience opened up a wonderful path for her that wound all the way smack dab in the middle of God's plan for her life.
Can I tell you that my heart leapt when the "odd job" came up and she realized that was the kind of work she was made for? It was like, "Hey, she is kind of like me (only she had a plan right after high school) and found her niche in sort of an odd place (she went from flight attendant to a camp facility coordinator) and really fell into step with the Lord." I envied her for a second.
Now, I also realize that these books can sort of be as bad as "soap operas" on tv...that we can tend to confuse real life with what we perceive to be real in the books. I think, however, that God could speak to me in this way, should He choose to. I mean, it would be the perfect opportunity, given I'm sort of unreachable at times.....
I don't know. Like I said somewhere on the pirate ship, my brain feels like scrambled eggs. I feel like I'm sort of grieving for the life I could have had (yet I have no idea what kind of life it should have been!! LOL). How ridiculous is that?
I can't make sense of much that's brewing in my head right now, so I guess I'll stop. Dillon wants so badly to figure out something to help me, but all I do is cry when we try to talk about it. Wanna see a guy fidget? LOL. Poor sweet hubby. He's a fixer, that's for sure. I am trying to train him to be a hugger first and fixer 2nd. ;-) I love him!
2 comments:
I feel like I'm sort of grieving for the life I could have had (yet I have no idea what kind of life it should have been!! LOL). How ridiculous is that?
It's not ridiculous at all. I can understand your feelings of grief. Different situation, but I know the feelings very well.
You are where you are supposed to be, Amy. I know it's frustrating and confusing, but trust that you are where you are supposed to be, and that God will continue to guide you. Sometimes the twists and turns of life (or that sense of being stuck) doesn't make much sense to us, but I truly believe that every single step of the way has a purpose. Usually only in hindsight, sometimes years and years later, do we see it.
You mostly certainly are not a failure, and God will use your gifts. It may not be in the way that you expect -- He can be real good at surprising us... lol -- but rest assured that He sees and knows your struggles, and that He is leading you. Your path is unique -- don't try to compare it to anyone else's. ;-)
Oh, poor men... they just don't understand us, do they? If only they could understand that we don't need them to fix things, we just need them to listen and to hug us. God bless Dillon for trying. You are very lucky. :-)
God bless you, my friend. Love ya!
*hugs*
:')
Do you want to know something very cool? Just as I finished reading your comment (and he had no idea what I was doing, nor what I had written about in my blog), he came over here, said, "I love the person you are" and kissed me!
Thanks for saying what you did. I'll be rereading it often :-).
Love you!!!!!
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